What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 01:31
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Where can I get sure fixed matches on Instagram?
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
What are the most extreme examples of hypocrisy?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do you think cheating is that bad?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She loved him until the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She wouldn,t have been !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She married twice! .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He knew the spot.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!